Today I feel cracked inside.
I had a rough night, not been able to sleep well because I had a call from my Mother in law. It was 2:30 in the morning, I´m half asleep, my wife took the call… “Mom, what is the matter? What!… you fell!?” Mother in law had fallen on her room, and was able to go to the phone, barely.
My wife passed the phone. I wasn´t rude, I heard her for a lot of time, 20 minutes. She was not crying, just talking about how she fell, and thought that maybe she had a broken bone.
My wannabe Medical doctor mind said “Don´t worry…if she is with a broken foot, or broken pelvis, she wouldn´t be able to walk. Calm down, and just listen to her…”
She lives alone, and if you are thinking, but Carlos you should have gone and see her… well, maybe you are correct. I should’ve…
Listened some more…
I feel cracked inside.
I am a bad person, and don´t deserve anything.
Well, not really. I could´ve gone to see her, but nothing would have changed the fact that she was o.k. It was almost 3 in the morning…you are not thinking right, and in three hours you have to really wake up, prepare everything for the kids to go to school, and to kindergarden. Lots of work.
How many times have you felt Cracked Inside? For not doing the correct thing to do…but instead weighing everything else in the equation?
I am a bad person; I feel cracked inside.
That´s all I can say today.
Finally, I called her again at 7:00 and she was well. Bruised up, but there were no signs of a broken bone or anything.
Why do we have to weigh things out? Why can´t we just DO what´s right to do? Well because of life. Life is a bitch, and she makes things hard enough, for you to Triage things out. If I had gone, I wouldn´t have slept but a few hours, and because of it I wouldn´t be able to take my kids to school, or work properly. She just had to take some pain medication. No broken bones, just bruises…and the need to be heard.
Sometimes you do more, just by listening to another person.
I am not a monster, and if she had called from the floor, and had extreme pain…or acute pain… then I would´ve gone immediately, and called the paramedics.
I guess now I just have to deal with the guilt of weighing things up.
Weighing things up in life sucks, but you have to do it anyways, when you are responsible. Sometimes, being responsible is not acting things out, just waiting, observing and listening.
Thanks for reading.